On Wholeness

This topic has been showing up for me in my life, and in the lives of those I love, repeatedly these past few weeks.

Wholeness.

What does this mean?

How do we embody it?

How do we act on it with conviction?

So few of us act in wholeness - that’s what I’m starting to realize more and more. So many of us are waiting to be whole, waiting for the thing that’s going to swoop into our life and show us that we’re worthy of existing.

We all experience something(s), usually at a very young age, that we take on to mean that we aren’t good enough. And that shit keeps showing up everywhere we go, in all of our conflicts and challenges, until we’re brave enough to decide to look it in the eye. Most people never get there because it just seems too damn scary to confront our darkness; we’re afraid we’ll never climb out.

This isn’t a judgment. I waited on my body to be my wholeness for years. I believed I was fundamentally flawed, that my personality was nothing to be excited about, that no one would actually love me for who I am and therefore my body needed to be the one thing that made me worthy and likeable, or at the very least get people to envy me. More on that bullshit here.

So I “worked on” my body for years. I “fixed” my diet over and over and over again, spent countless hours in the gym and even more researching “clean” recipes and pinching at my stomach in the mirror, cursing myself for not being thinner and therefore (in my eyes), better.

Once I was thin enough, people would finally like me. I wouldn’t have to try so hard.

Once I was muscular in all the “right” places, everyone would see how disciplined and together I was. And they would be so impressed with me.

Once I had the perfect diet and stopped craving sugar, I would be the ethereal spiritual being that I was “supposed” to be at all times.

Once I get “there”, I’ll finally be whole. I’ll finally be happy. I’ll finally be worthy of love.

This is called destination addiction: believing that your happiness is in the next job, partner, or experience.

But that’s never the case. I, more than once, got my body to a remarkably fit place and was still miserably unhappy. I still hated my body and thought there was more work to be done. This is how your mind works when you believe that you’re flawed at the core; no amount of improvement is ever enough because you were never enough to begin with.

When you believe that you are the problem, you’re gonna end up disappointed 100% of the time. You carry yourself with you wherever you go. Into every new relationship, every new job, every diet.

Relationships - romantic and platonic - have been on my mind a lot recently. Why do we behave the way that we do in relationships? Why do people feel the need to test their partner? Why do so many people seek out conflict in relationships instead of just getting out of the way and letting it be good? Do relationships work more based on romantic chemistry or because the individuals themselves are emotionally intelligent and self-aware?

Relationships, maybe more than any other aspect of our lives, bring up a lot of shit for each of us. We’re asked to get vulnerable, raw, and real with another person who has the power and potential to crush us completely. Sometimes we want to see them do it just so we can prove to ourselves that we are the unwhole, flawed human that we’ve trained ourselves to believe we are. So we can have the comfort and satisfaction of never having to try, or change, or embrace our darkness. So we can push another person to do the dirty work for us in putting our darkness on the table and say, “See? Here it is. Here’s the darkness. Is this what you wanted?” It’s much easier to make another person show us why we’re flawed than it is to admit it on our own. Most people make someone else dig the darkness up, and then we shove it back down with a new relationship, endlessly seeking the light in another person that we so desperately want within ourselves.

What if, instead, we looked that darkness straight in the face and said, “I see you. I love you. But you are not all of me.”

What if you believed to your core that you were totally whole and full of light - right now?

That no amount of external validation would ever truly serve you internally?

I’ll tell you what happens- you take your power back.

You decide what you deserve. You choose what kind of love feels good and when to back away or ask for more, fearlessly. You are allowed to feel good just because, and that is all the reason that any of us needs. You never have to be afraid of losing, because you know that you are powerful enough to choose your way back to a better place.

No more chasing after people, places, or things because you think that the light exists in them.

You know that it exists in you.

You get to know, in faith, that every person, job, amount of money, or opportunity that you don’t get is making way for something better, if you’ll let it in.

And you know all of this simply because you are whole. And you deserve goodness. Like all humans.

This all begins with a choice to start doing your work. It is not usually easy but it is always beautiful.

And a major part in all this is self-responsibility. Taking responsibility for your shit, for your happiness, and choosing to be badass enough to not be afraid of just trying it out. But it does all begin with a choice.

A choice to start believing the truth:

 

You are enough.

You are good.

You are whole.